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Brazos Valley Eggplant Chili

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by Captain Boswell
Brazos Valley Eggplant Chili is a dietary staple of the natives of the Brazos Valley region. I invented it, but when my progeny take over East Texas, well after the apocalypse, this is what they will eat. It is a perfect meal for a peaceful warrior of the future.

The final dish comes together with a black bean chili, topped with an extra-spicy tapenade of squash and peppers. Eggplant acts as a meaty vehicle of flavor in both of these concoctions. On the side is a sweet spinach salad tossed in grapefruit and yogurt topped with fried plantains, scattered with cinnamon and sided by beets and cucumbers. The alternation of the fresh and sweet salad with the spicy and turbulent chili is nothing short of a dining adventure, and one that will give you the energy and clarity to prepare for your next vision quest.

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Ingredients

Chili
-Eggplant
-Red, orange, and/or Yellow bell peppers
-Zucchini
-Onion
-pot of black beans
-Garlic cloves
-mushrooms (opt.)
-Tomatoes
-Cayenne
-Turmeric
-Grass Fed Butter
-Olive Oil

Salad
-Greek yogurt
-Rock sea salt
-Beets
-Cucumbers
-Fresh Spinach
-Cinnamon
-lime

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Steps
1. Soak your black beans overnight, and then simmer for 4 hours. (Or use cans)
2. Cut large eggplant in half, rub with olive oil and salt, and set in oven at 380 for 50 minutes.
3. Chunk the peppers, Zucchini and onion and cook low in butter. Add garlic and then tomatoes, diced small. Add Cayenne to taste.
4. When the eggplant is done, put one half into the beans, and the other half into the simmering peppers. Use a knife and fork to strip the meat from the eggplant.
5. Add turmeric, butter, and salt to the bean mix and mix while it simmers.
6. The peppers, onions, and tomatoes will be served on top the beans in a bowl, so that each bite may be a little bit different.
7. While the chili is cooling, quickly sautee plantain slices as you toss fresh spinach with greek yogurt, oil, and squeezed grapefruit.
8. Serve plantains atop spinach and lightly dust with cinnamon.
9. Arrange your raw cucumber and beet slices as a side and top with lime juice and sea salt.
10. Serve with enthusiasm and let your guests know this is an indigenous dish of a culture that has yet to exist.

Hard Venison Sausage Hors D’oeuvres

by Captain Garza
This is a great and simple snack , easy to execute and not very messy, an inspiring yet calorie-rich light dinner or lunch. You’ll need:

1) Hard venison sausage or other hard local game sausage. Can be substituted w Spanish Chorizo or veggie sausage

2) avocado

3) sliceable cheese, preferably from a local source

4) rough grain Texas Sea Salt

5) local honey, optional

Directions: spread ripe avocado on a saltine, top the avocado with slices of regional venison sausage and small chunks of local cheese, then (optional) drizzle gently with local honey. Finish with three or four granules of coarse Texas Sea Salt.

Spread ripe avocado on saltine

Spread ripe avocado on saltine

1

Add slices of venison sausage and local cheese

Drizzle w/ local honey optional

Drizzle w/ local honey optional

The Heroic Mode of Texas Food Revolution (or, Aggressively Seeking a Leisurely Approach)

To see the source of this photo, click on the picture: you'll find an article at theguardian.com which reports on one of many of Watson's defiant adventures.

Capt. Paul Watson of Sea Shepherd Conservation Society.

by Captain Garza
For those of us who consider ourselves heroic, it is fair to ask whether we are romanticizing the ideals of heroism found in the motives for our efforts – especially when some people have pushed so firmly against the world’s real problems.

   People like Captain Paul Watson, known for his antics of ramming whaling ships and other sea-raping corporate vessels.
   Watson’s heroisms are free-press favorites. He gives the hippies something to cheer about because they are so easily bored.
   But not at Texas Food Revolution. At Texas Food Revolution, we’re giving hippies and religious fundamentalists something to cheer about, and that fact is raising a lot of longstanding eyebrows.
   At the Texas Food Revolution, we think that growing a vegetable in your back yard or foraging for a salad are equally-heroic acts, deftly on par with, if not more laudable than, Watson’s ship-sinking antics. And for religious Republicans out there, we consider eating from the space that surrounds us just as good as demolishing small oil-rich countries and severing limbs of thousands of foreign children with American-bought bombs whose parts for construction were outsourced to foreign countries that America as a nation does not ideologically agree with.
   And that’s because by growing food yourself and eating the free bounty of your backyard, you cut out one of the most dangerous threats to clean water: mass-farmed food. The nitrogen, pesticides, and host of other chemicals used to grow mass-farmed food eventually make their way into waterways, and they’re big contributors to red-tides, which suffocate the Gulf of Mexico’s coastal areas for as many as 2 months out of each year. That isn’t good for the animals that live in and depend on that water, and it isn’t good for businesses that thrive on coastal tourism, which pumps billions of dollars annually into America’s coastal economies. And besides the chemicals from corporate agriculture’s affect on coastal ecosystems, those chemicals are also just plain outright polluting our rivers, bays, and oceans.
   Not only that, but you can keep that nasty chemical-infused food out of your own body by simply deciding to not shop at the places where you get that food.

Getting your fruits and veggies may not be such a great thing for yourself or for the world's environment.

Follow this photo to a story from Backyard Liberty Review, on the unnatural process that sends most supermarket produce to the shelves.

   Care and concern for environment as well as knowledge that you are a more supreme and righteous being than those who surround you is clearly propped up by Texas Food Revolution’s simple tennet that you know where your food is from and try to have a hand in raising what you eat yerself.
   We love Watson, his jolly smile, and his dastardly work, and we love multi-national greed as a thing in itself that is unparalleled in voracity and exterminating potential. But at the end of the day, do you really want to be Watson, or would you instead like to be Exxon? Aren’t Watson and Exxon and those like them in some way synonymous, each an echo of an insatiable, unreflective, and strangled ego?
   Or … do you want to be with the Texas Food Revolution, growing knowledge in a foundation of backyard food that, like the feathers of a bird, the Lord knows each and every one of?
   The choice is yours, but the answer is clear. Choose spirit. Because it’s never the right answer.
P.s. Don’t forget to visit our online store :)
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Michelle Obama Takes on the Raccoon Obesity Epidemic

by Captain Boswell
Raccoons are fattening up like gut parasites in the greasy bellows churning within the mega-machine of infinite desire. While her husband signs another Farm Bill, guaranteeing more subsidies for the industrial farms that keep the food market fat and destructive, Michelle starts a visionary pet project. As more plastic wrapped half-eaten-corn-by-product-pastry-looking-things land in our nation’s trash cans, our First Lady has quite the challenge in keeping our raccoons healthy. It’s a good thing these critters have her royal endorsement. Somebody has to look out for these guys, even if it’s only a flashy public relations band-aid on a national raccoon body full of tumors and bedsores.

I’ve always been fond of raccoons and am glad a distant authority figure shares my fondness. Raccoons are crafty animals, keen of senses with a reputable hide worthy of a prized hat; but generation after generation they seem to be becoming single-minded little tubs of lard. Every time I go camping or to a park I see these sticky-fingered sugar zombies begging and scavenging for cinnabons and cheetohs. At a community garden where I once worked, our unguarded vegetables were never touched, only passed by like useless shrubs on the way to the trash can for bits of birthday cake frosting and pig fat. It may seem like a great infinite Chuck-E-Cheese party for the raccoon but sadly, they too cannot escape the wrath of the food like substances purveyed on the human populations of the world.

Raccoon cancer, diabetes, and obesity will likely continue to rise so long as they continue to rely on the scraps of the sluggish worshippers of convenience. Healthy raccoons reliant on the devices of nature are practically legend now as the whole species collects on the avenues of man and waits for handouts.

Sadly, raccoons do not have the cognitive tools that allow conscious choices to the extent to which people do and essentially HAVE to eat these food-like-substances like manipulated lab animals. The foods are engineered to be calorie rich and instantly gratifying but the down-side is they turn natural harmonious organisms into fat, greedy, little sugar addicts. The raccoons devour this food because it is prevalent in the trash cans around America. Their lack of critical thinking and the ability to balance reason with desire render them full slaves to impulse. They are condemned to the vicinity of sweet trash cans and campsites while they eat their way inside an imprisoning cycle of craving.

One day I suppose man’s bubble will burst and the raccoons will have to return to making their own livelihood. Many will die, and the survivors will be the ones who were able to adapt to a post-twinkie world. We can only hope Michelle’s royal decree will reverse this trend and let the little guys find a balance without some sort of pandemic disaster.

Thinking about the waddling little recipients of industrial food trash really makes me grateful that I have the ability to discern what will make me a healthy and durable example of my species rather than willingly contributing to my own demise, as well as those around me. Leave the trash in the trash, better yet, leave it on the shelves, and on your next camping trip, bring something healthy for the little critters.

Here is an oldie, but goody, from the Daily Show when the Raccoon Obesity Epidemic was just beginning to pervade public consciousness.

http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/c9h5i7/mark-harmon

Are Hormones in Chicken Responsible for Rampant White Girl Booty Growth?

Dear TFR,

I feel like white girls be havin’ booties like never before. It’s like everyday I see these young hos growin’ up with bigger and bigger booties. I bet if there wasn’t all this damn hormones in chicken there is no way I’d bee seeing so much white girl booty. You know white girls be eatin’ more chicken than ever these days.

I’m all about eatin’ healthy, I even went vegan recently and I’m getting a six pack for the first time in my big-ass life. But, I can’t help but feel a little grateful for all the meat people be eatin if it is in fact responsible for more ass and titties in my life. That’s why I’m so curious about all this, because at the end of the day, I want my ladies to be fit and healthy.

Is there something behind my theory or do I just have a modern booty bias?

Tryna get to the bottom, if you know what I mean,

PUG aka Demorris

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Hi PUG,

According to recent scientific analyses of meat hormone’s effect on puberty and fatty-tissue growth, your theory definitely carries weight in some of the right places. It seems that female breast and booty size are on the rise and there is definitely a correlation with the rise in meat hormones that are shoved, injected, soaked, and fed to the animals that we slaughter in commercial processing centers and that we then put in our freezers and use in our beloved recipes. But ladies, before you go stuffing your face with KFC just to hopefully fill your curves in proportions that Renaissance-men like PUG find sexually provocative, let us look at the whole picture, because the simple fact is that the FDA allows no hormone use whatsoever in growing and producing chickens.  So though meat hormones are likely contributing to the fortuitous societal trend of enlargened boobs and rear-ends, particularly among White Women, chicken hormones likely aren’t contributing to this cultural syzygy.

Most of the good data about chicken’s effect on T&A addresses girls entering puberty earlier than ever. There are also significant studies about the effects of hormone accumulation and imbalance on women’s health in the long term, and all the results point straight to breast cancer, obesity, menstrual irregularities, and heart disease. This early puberty and general imbalance does have the side effect of more voluptuousness among women in most of our immediate surroundings, but the question really is: Do we want more Junk in ladies’ Trunks, especially if cancer, diabetes and other early-onset health hazards will be the direct and menacing result.

A recent academic journal article points out some basic guidelines for healthy hormone levels in women that will allow a woman to attain their best natural physique without the harmful effects of eating a lot of meat. As we mentioned, the thing about chicken is, the FDA has banned hormones in chicken for years, so unless you have gone vegan, like yourself, there is not a significant correlation between eating modern chicken and growing larger booties. The truth is, most booty and breast size is still genetic, and healthy hormones and fitness will bring a woman to her most vibrant and balanced state, which sounds like the kind of woman you want, PUG.

The skinny of this question is that hormones in meat do effect booty size and meat hormones are very likely responsible for the rise in the general White Girl population’s accumulative butt growth throughout at least the last two generations. But after a review of this question with our editorial board, what begged to be asked is whether any of this chicken is being fried, bought at drive thrus, unthawed from a frozen box, or processed with pink slime?  Because if the chicken you eat looks anything like the chicken in the following image …

Big booty producing pink slime chicken

The pink slime secret of processed chicken, great for building booties while shortening their life-spans

… and your booty is getting bigger, you might want to seek other protein sources for the benefit of your  life.  Though we are not discounting the research that could point the finger for the imbulging hump of White Women squarely on the chin of meat hormones, since the FDA does not allow hormones to be used in raising and producing industrial chicken, we think that chicken should also be viewed “inside the box” as it relates to booty growth,  especially if that box came from Church’s Chicken, Chester Fried Chicken, Kentucky Fried Chicken, or your favorite purveyor of grease-soaked, deep fried batter that in this case surrounds chicken. A detailed analysis of the situation is given by a big-bootied KFC establishment owner who, at the urging of Texas Food Revolution, decided to trade in her father’s lineage KFC store for a new restaurant that would feature healthier home cooked food to replace the crap she was selling from her KFC. 

This type of leadership that’s willing to stop profiting from selling dangerous fried and processed food — to take a  financial risk at selling healthier food — is an example of what abundance can look like without being too much. In the past, we did not have full access to nutritional food or simply didn’t know where to find it, and thus we were not at our peak. Many of us hit the end of the spectrum and became over-fed and over hormoned, and basically, worthless in any situation, whether that be as a leader, a professional, a student, a parent, a child, or anything, really that requires any sort of focus, stamina, acute intelligence, patience, and the list of attributes required to function at a meaningful level goes on and on.

The bottom line is that we can find a balance wherein each of our bodies is at peak nourishment and our breasts and booties are the sizes they are supposed to be.

So keep on your vegan workout mission and we’d love to hear more from you, PUG. Until then, imagine the beanpole of past years, ill-nourished and unempowered in a society long gone that imprisoned beggars, and then think of the recent culture: obese, fake tits, flashy cars that people lease not own,  and general over-the-top tendencies; and then, imagine the future: fit, conscious, confident, shining with activity and nutrition. This is the future , PUG, where you will find a bodacious woman whose full curves will not also be exacerbated with the cancerous puss of hormones.
by Captain Boswell and Captain Garza

3 Life-Changing Habits You Can Start Right NOW

No matter your age or fitness-level, these habits will change the way you view your own health.

Your health consciousness probably exceeds the tubby spaceship captain from Pixar’s WALL-E, but you’re still lightyears away from that all-natural Ironman Champion you read about. Regardless of whether you have huge fitness goals or just want to feel good and look good, there are three basic habits you can start integrating right now. Even if you’re in an unhealthy slump, which happens to the best of us, these simple adjustments will keep you ever closer to Ironman than couch potato on the spectrum of health.

Read more…

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Texas Food Revolution Actually a Cult

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This article title could go many ways. So, consider this the first installment of

We’re Actually a Cult: TFR
“A Bold Category”
by Captain Boswell

Have you ever heard of “The Cult of Mac?”

Well I hadn’t until my fellow TFR Captain, Robledo, confessed to being a part of it. I thought “Well, Robledo is sane and productive, this ‘Cult of Mac’ is probably just some humorous hyperbole. Oh Robledo… I wonder if I’m in the cult, too.”

Several years back I got a MacBook Pro. And naturally, I became a writer, producer, DJ, and entrepreneur, in the first week after opening the beautiful white Mac box. I even had time to have like 3 casual encounters and get rejected from e-harmony for thinking the book of Genesis is just a poorly translated metaphor.

It was a great week, but I wasn’t ready for that lifestyle just yet, so I sold the Mac to go on a bike trip. I wasn’t willing to give it all up to Mac just yet. I mean I had never even had an iPhone.

A couple years later, I started doing my girlfriend’s iPhone here and there; but that was just because I was with her, ya know? I didn’t really want to get an iPhone, although it did seem incredibly efficient I felt like an acceptable modern human when I used it.

Then I was rich one week and met this provider named Verizon, after that, I was pretty much iPhoning all the time. I was spending $140 bucks a month on the the beautiful device and that’s not even including apps and media and shit. After a while, I couldn’t even have sex without my iPhone, always filming, recording, networking.

Then one day I downloaded a free WiFi talk app (Talkatone, get it!) so I could talk on the phone without the middle man, Verizon, and I became a free iPhone user, and iPad too! I became a distributor myself. But it’s not what you think, I don’t owe anybody anything, I can quit Mac products whenever I want, I just don’t want to. I do the Mac’s bidding and she treats me oh so well. It serves me, and I serve it. All hail Mac.

The iGrill exists, just click the image to buy one.

So when I found out the Texas Food Revolutionaries have a historical bond with the cult of Mac, and that the founding revolutionaries were still active members of the cult of mac, I was fascinated, and damn glad to be on the inside. Amen. All hail Mac.

You see, we at TFR are upfront with our conspiracies, thus making you a part of them. This is why you should choose us as your next intellectual tyrant.

Thanks for your support. Click our links, get macs, get efficient, sell them to your friends, it’s the ONLY WAYYYYY.

and did you know…

The iPad cutting board exists! Badass, right? I’ll get one if you get one.

Eve’s apple pic found in this hilarious article

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Soul-Blistering Subway

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by Captain Boswell
I hit rock bottom at a Subway franchise. It wasn’t an actual restaurant, but an online petition on foodbabe.com addressing Subway’s sketchy ingredients. I don’t take just any crazy activist petition seriously, so I did my research on the credentials of the source, and yes, she is a babe.

She is really hot. I’m not sure what race she is. I think she might be a new multi-race just called “perfect.” But any race requires good shoes, or sandals – the flat bread of footwear, as they say at Subway…
And herein lies the nature of my rock bottom. It was not a dietary or drug-related rock bottom of any sort; I mean, I don’t even eat at Subway.

It was a satire-meta-pun rock bottom.

I thought of the Subway consumer, and the many Subway workers, and the miles and miles the food travels to each location around the world; and I tried to walk one of those miles in each of their shoes. You see, in case you didn’t know, Subway puts Azodicarbonamide in their breads. That’s the same chemical used to make yoga mats and foot apparel… and it’s used in hundreds of other common food products.

So you can imagine, as did I, a yoga mat, decorated with paper-like strips of lettuce, toy tomatoes, and some sort of pale-pink meat sheet, and the whole strange mess being rolled up into a sort of PITA – A pain in the ass of consumers demanding real food. I decided to get to the bottom of this – the sole point that is of most value to the consumers. The bling of the thing, if you will.

I set out on foot to research Azodicarbonamide at the local sweat shop, then Foot Locker, then Lululemon (where hotties like foodbabe shop), and then the grocery store. I began to think I was in a dream, there’s no sweat shop in my town, or is there? I was taking heavier and heavier steps, mumbling under duress:

“Man eats 600 subway sandwiches and overdoses on preservatives… Azodicarbonamide is what killed the fat guy in Seven… our New Kickin’ Dough, we Stretch it ourselves…”

This food/inorganic-permanent-product blend hit outbreak status in my dystopian vision and I couldn’t tell whether I felt a light concern, extreme paranoia, or was just locked in some satirical netherworld. I reached out to other TFR writers and found that they too had their tongues tied in shoe-related wordplay. Then I startled further when I remembered “There are no other TFR writers.” Or are there?

Everywhere I went the number “5 -dollar footlongs,” stepping on my throat, everywhere I went, I imagined eating coats and fuel and various other strange things. Paper or plastic was my bread option and bring your own baguette was the eco-friendly thing to do…

frosted hula hoops, sandwich castles, e-clairs.

The sub-liminal messages slowed down as I grew weary. Clubbed Foot. Foot in the mouth.

Mayonnaise.

I finally made it to the NPR article about the controversy. There I read a more balanced perspective on the topic. I calmed down a bit, and then realized there was nothing wrong with the petition, and nothing abnormal with industry dropping a tiny amount of a substance that has been PROVEN to do harm in large amounts. The petition is just like a big version of “Mom, I won’t eat your sandwiches unless you quit putting that one chemical in it. It’s weird and you don’t need it in there anyways.” But Subway is not my mom. You’re not my mom Subway!

The TFR in-office therapist responded:

“So I guess you’ll just have to consider the jury out on the effects of this chemical at those levels…

Besides, you said you don’t really eat at Subway because you like to keep your dollar in your community; and prefer food from passionate locals; and you got food poisoning from Subway, twice; and you said now when you eat at Subway it’s a salad and it’s like twice a year on a road trip that you didn’t make enough snacks for.

So, if you don’t mind, back to: “local food…’”

Thanks to under20workout for the pic

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From the Warren Report to Your Kitchen

by Captain Boswell
What’s more believable: government analysis of world-changing events? Or infomercials? When it comes to the Magic Bullet, it is easily and emphatically the latter.

Every good home food artist can benefit from a food processor. With the chopper/dicer/mixer you can create all the classics: guac, salsa, purees, smoothies, and you can even turn the most fibrous and nutty concoctions into baby food! I’m serious, my buddy who practically eats raw vegan extreme feeds his one year old everything he eats after turning into a baby friendly mush.

I will be posting many food processed delights from what I have found to be shockingly perfect mixes. Each of which validated by the most common pension for fallacy by those that try my creations. If it helps your audience to believe “this is an old recipe” “created by an authority” in a “tried and true cultural setting,” then let them believe it. You can enlighten them on critical thinking once their bellies are full.

Why have I chosen to talk about the magic bullet today? Because I just monetized my blog by posting the link below. Cool huh? And why have I chosen to give a hooray for the Magic Bullet? It’s not because of the Kennedy link, that was just a lucky intro. It is because I friggin own one and it’s working for me. Thanks for reading!

Magic Bullet Express Deluxe 26-piece Mixer & Blender (25-piece with Bonus Ice Shaver Blade)

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Dear TFR, My kid only wants macaroni…

Dear Texas Food Revolution,

My kid only wants macaroni and cheese for dinner. I think she’d also be pleased with a straight diet of ice cream. Neither of these are acceptable. We are trying to be a healthy food household but I really don’t want to be a food task master for my daughter! I enjoy healthy fresh food, but I don’t want to force it on her and make her associate good food with authoritative commands.

Please help, thanks,

Madeleine

 

Dear Madeleine,

The underground Mac & Cheese railroad will occur if you force your nutritional will without ingestible reason, and more importantly, fun. I have three tips for you.

The first recommendation, and it sounds like you are already doing this, is to lead by example when it comes to exercise and passion(not annoying dogma) about food. Leading by example is also keeping the right foods in the house. If you have only one box of mac and cheese for the week, or only one box of cookies for the month, then that is that. Going to the grocery store is a good chance to engage your child in choosing food. They will ask for everything, and some of it may actually be healthy, so when they get back home, there will be certain items that they have chosen and will feel ownership over their “treat.”

The second recommendation, in my opinion the most rewarding and effective approach, is to involve them as much as possible. A child who gardens is a child who eats veggies. But it doesn’t have to go so far as gardening, simply allow your child to make the salad, for example. Call your child your “soux chef” and talk about what you’re making so they don’t feel they’re being force-fed foreign adult cuisine. They will begin to take pride in the diverse food and unique presentations that don’t exist in something like mac & cheese.

The third recommendation is to step up your dessert game! There’s nothing wrong with decadent baked goods or frozen treats, but let their be an art to it rather than stuffing your face with high fructose corn syrup soda and pastries in front of the tube. There is always the “finish your plate to get dessert,” motivation, and when it comes to dessert there are many healthy options.

Ice-Coconut milk-honey-peanut butter-cacao-smoothies, mmmm. Frozen banana puree with something fancy on it, mmmm. Gluten free baked goods, mmmm. Or even the occasional pre-made chocolate chip cookie dough is preferable over a packaged item, in the baking process there is an understanding of the value and effort that goes into the treat. Let the indulgences be mindful.

Engage your child in the food process and step up your own game. Guilt and demands surely never did it for me, anyways. LOVE brought me to local fresh food, not fear and authority.
by Captain Boswell